Oh. Sudden peace admist all these.

well,
perhaps this would be the last post here.
bye.

i shall move to another space.
where it reminds me less of things.

www.ru-ew.livejournal.com

new url.
i wouldn't think i would be updating here anymore.
so.
over there yeah.

Hahahaha.
Today.
is so full.
of interesting conversations.
yes.
haha. really high.

weird conversations, crazy music,
how much better can life get!!
hahahahaha.

this is good.
take my troubles away.
divert my thoughts.

and i shan't think about anything proper to blog about today
cause everything's on a high.

i shall not spoil my mood
and i shall not go back down.
-
and you take care.
haha
dont screw up your exams over a person
if it affects you.
but even if it doesn't dont take the risk (:
i dont know how much of what i say is relevant or whether you think it is good or proper.
i dont know.
but its just my point of view. heh.
point it out to me if im ever wrong yeah.
im not perfect (:

anyways.
good luck for tmr.
-
ohwell.
tmr is a super long day.
and im gonna die.
school, chem lecture after sch ( 1 hr), chinese remedial (2 hr), math tuition (2 hr ) , go home.
mug.
next morning , dead.

I realised that i'm having less and less time everyday.
work. work. and work.
im either panicking cause i dont have enough time.
or.
im trying to do my work.
yeah.
panicking but stoning and just fretting over everything
like oh crap i have work to do.
and go on youtube to stone.
and perhaps
im having lesser time and lesser things to say here.
lack of mood and lack of words.
-
i suppose,
very often,
when you don't have anything, you long for something.
and when you have something, you start to wish for something more.
-
Maybe its just assurance.
"The fact that you know we'll always be here and that you might not come back"
how long ago was it.
since i told you that.

and we can be like opposites.
Like pictures in the water.

and just looking back.
i remember the purity of the flowers.
the bleeding heart reds,
the titanic whites,
a beautiful face,
a petal.

isnt it just beautiful?
-
down that road again.
i would just turn my head.
and see if you're there.
knowing you won't be, no matter how long i wait.
there is hope.
empty hope.
hope that brings you down.
hope only brings you down.
it'll lift you up then drop you,
eleven feet above ground.
and perhaps then again.
when theres hope, it just gives you a reason to further hide from the truth again.
it gives you time.
deal with it.
its gonna happen this way.
so here's me saying take this time and sort yourself out
just like her..
-
orchestras play behind,
as you drift further into your dream
your daze as you wait for a sound.
a calling.
and then.
you off it.
cause you know its not gonna come.
so you hide.
hide.
another pull to the ground.
perhaps,
no one will ever understand.
until they really experience it themselves eh?
keep running from the truth cause you cant face it.
but you know.
soon not or later,
you will.
and you ask yourself.
why hide now? will it make a difference?
why prolong your suffering when you can just end it now?
once and for all.
why?
hope?
because when there's hope, there's assurance that nothing is for sure?
and that things can always change for the better?
that something will happen?
you lie.
again, and again.
-
everything's just a vicious cycle isn't it?
just like your daily life.
just like me and her.

there's nothing i can do to stop it can i?
nothing at all.
time and again,
she repeats,
lets be friends.
i smile, and say yes.
another truth bends,
i must confess.

what happened to when i would bother
with you?
does it feel so cold?
very cold?
as though no one cares for you?
so you,
things will be better when i'm dead and gone
don't try to understand,
knowing you, i'm probably wrong.
but my flesh still crawls as i breathe your name
perhaps all this while, i was wrong
perhaps it was you.
Raise your head,Raise your face, Raise your eyes.
Tell me.
who do you think you are?

and ill walk alone to a better place.
its far far away.
but it doesn't matter.
i'm going there alone.
no matter how.
and time has a way of taking time,
too fast.
too slow.
but never.
never be in the business of folding.
keep raising the stakes.
-
A flash of light.
Everything disappears.




Isn't it beautiful?
just like opposites,
like pictures in the water.


edit-
ahhh. WTFF.
why's she stuck on my mind.
and im supposed to have forgotten her.
why why why.
help.
get the hell out.
not now at least.
i cant afford to.
no.no.no
why am i think of her.
3 weeks.
and i still cant get over it.
still fresh in my mind.
like yesterday.
perhaps it was that call on monday.
now its stuck.
and.
am i gonna take another 3 weeks to get her out of my mind?
in 3 weeks.
exams start.

what can i do..
what can i say..
i got myself into this shit.

i need to get myself really drunk
and slowly kill myself every night.
then perhaps ill go into some breaking down state again.
for one consecutive week.
just like the last time..

and today.
i shall post nothing.
cause im too tired.
and you're halfway out my mind. (and perhaps out of yours as well.)
besides yesterday.
but.
take care.

school school school.
and i cut my hair today (:
and now it doesn't poke me in the eye.
thats great.
-
i should really start pushing myself to study and practice more but i keep telling myself that theres nothing much to study
and.. i think i injured some bone in my hand cause it hurts like hell.
-
well, i suppose everyday passes with me trying hard to forget about you,
although it does seem to get easier everyday
but i wonder whats really going on my mind.
what are you trying to do still.
perhaps i've given up partially,
but have i really given up on you?
i dont know.
do i really want to?
should i?



i realized life was a game,
the more seriously i took things,
the harder the rules became.
i had no idea what it cost,
as my life passed before my eyes.

A tout le monde
A tout mes amis
Je vous aime
Je dois partir
These are the last words
I'll ever speak
And they'll set me free.

And if my heart was still alive
I know it would surely break
And my memories left with you
There's nothing more to say

Moving on is a simple thing
What it leaves behind is hard
You know the sleeping feel no more pain
And the living all are scarred
-
somehow, somewhere in this week
i stopped thinking, about you.
perhaps im just telling myself that.
perhaps theres still that tingling feeling inside me of you
that i just ignore.
but for how long more?
control my emotions?
control myself away from you, your actions
and myself from the things you say

"SCREW IT MY HEAD HURTS AND IM BURNING HOT AND COLD AT THE SAME BLOODY TIME. goodnight."
now, whats that supposed to mean when you randomly come up to me and say it and disappear?
am i supposed to have some kind of feeling?
i wonder..
is there any in me?
-
fell head over heels for you,
but even the fallen can rise again.
-
tonight, i shall wonder again..
about you
ohwell..
i suppose despite everything..
just take care yeah.
perhaps i still do care..
regardless of what i say..
hmm..
-
Through into an eternal abyss I fall,
Silent screams through paper walls
I pray someday the sun will shine on me again
-


come,lets light this fire together.. and bring some light into this world


edit-
hmm..
and im starting to wonder if you're like the rest..
ohwell...

Ahhhh.
and today was SO TIRING.
im probably gonna sleep really early (:
for once.
yay haha. ^ ^
but what can i say.
it was fun.
30 bucks though,
to sit at the table and take score for every match
and i really couldn't concentrate cause i was looking at the match on the other court..
which is obviously much more interesting.
the people on my court should learn how to fight.
you're 16 and above! hello.. you're supposed to be of some good..
not that im being mean but...

AND SO...
my very divided attention didnt really help in keeping score.
sitting there isn't very fun you know.
tiring, hot, boring, and you have to pay close attention to whatever fouls or points given.
i could look straight and things would go on for 2 points and i would think that nothing was going on.
so, go and imagine what i was like. haha.
but ohwells.
just about 2 to 3 times.. i made errors in the score..
sorry!!

well......
on the other hand....
and im not bisexual. hello.
and don't associate me with that ct girl..
hmm.. CT kinda reminds me of someone anyways..
but yeah..
haha.
and congrats all of you who won.
you were great.

(sorry for whatever broken english in here. im just
tired, happy, and probably gonna get pissed at her again tonight.
i just have a feeling. and its coming true)
-
once again..
i should study.
im too tired to..
exams..
im panicking.
but i dont really have time to do anything.
piorities.
sleep early, go school, come home, study, sleep, repeat (:
result?
75 % average.
cheers.
(im just dreaming (: )

yeah. I remember in my first post.
which is.. kinda hidden.
"MEMORIES. is all ones every got. treasure them. they might never come again.
just like your friends. "
perhaps even memories do fade away.
-
and perhaps
i dont think about you anymore.
maybe just a little.
but i suppose somewhere inside me.
im still waiting
for what, i dont know.
for everything to go back to normal?
Things will never be back to normal.
-
these things.
they just take me away in a dream.
ohh.
all so wonderful.
-
have you ever looked back.
when you were 14.
it seemed like you've only lived for so short.
and once again.
looking back when you are 16.
thinking. its been long enough.
and maybe its past that 15.
that things doesn't seem so near after all.
why does 14 years seem so near and yet another 2
just makes it seem to distant.
Yesterday. and Today.
-
You.
just talked to me.
i don't feel like replying.
should i even?
"maybe not. coz it'll risk your mood"
maybe not.

its just something inside me.
-
well,
you. thank you for the past few days or weeks yeah.
i cant really remember how long its been since the start.
and for yesterday,
you really cheered my day up yeah.
especially that line.
haha. although i dont see how it is
but if you say so (:
thanks.
-
No.
i dont want to fall into the same trap again.
i shant.
can i not?
i pray not.
-
and it just dawned on me.
There's just so many people that i've to start to try to forget.
it's hard isn't it.
forgetting people never is easy.
right now.
its just you and you.

do i really still welcome you in open arms despite what happened?
or perhaps.
everytime something happens.
you come to me with that same sacarstic tone.
-
i dont feel like saying much now.
i wonder what everything is about once again.
what happening.
cause you never do say anything.
and i shan't extract information.

i shall not.
get pissed off tonight.
self control.
-
then again.
i shouldn't be talking to you.
to spoil my night.
why do i want to do that?
not that i can stop now.
sigh.

no.
not this again.
i dont want all this to start tonight.
no. no. no.
no. no. no.
help.
-
I SUPPOSE YOU CANT BE NORMAL WHEN YOU'RE CONTROLLING YOURSELF.
ITS JUST LIKE WHEN YOU'RE TENSED. AND HOW YOU CANT MOVE WITH EASE.
I CANT SEEM TO MOVE MYSELF TO EMPATISE WITH YOU.
I DONT WANT TO.
CAUSE I KNOW AFTER EVERTHING.
IT'LL REVERT BACK AGAIN.
SO AM I JUST BEING AN ASS?
DO YOU REALLY DESERVE ANY?
I REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU.
I REALLY DONT FEEL LIKE SAYING ANYTHING TO YOU.
NEITHER CAN I BACK OFF.
-